Is It Wrong….. September 12, 2007

I haven’t poisoned Hubs…yet, but, is is wrong to wash his clothes in HOT water?

Hubs should get his newest toy today, maybe tomorrow.  He was actually decent last night.  That was a very welcomed break.  He tells me that I’m spoiled and that I pout and make life miserable for everyone around me if I don’t get my way.  From the way he’s acted the past few months, I think he must be talking about himself.  He decided a few months ago that he wanted a bike or something to get muddy.  He wanted it then.  But he had to sell the toy he had in order to get something else.  After he got his new toy, he realized that he needed something to pull it with.  That involved another big decision.  Now that decision has been made, which leads one last decision.  He’s got to buy a trailer!  There’s a family here in town who sells trailers.  Hubs may have found the one he wants.  Maybe he’ll be able to relax and be a little nicer to us when he gets that.

It does hurt that he doesn’t mind spending $1600 on a trailer.  It also hurts that all 3 new toys are only in Hubs name.  But after living the way we’ve been living the past few months, I don’t care how much money he spends if it means that he’ll  finally be nice.  I will even settle for just being left alone.  Anything will be better than the way he’s been picking fights lately.

Maybe things will get better soon?

Measuring Up September 9, 2007

Do you think I’ll ever measure up in Hubs eyes?  Each day he finds new ways of letting me know that I am unworthy of…well, anything.  It’s not like I don’t ever get anything, but boy oh boy do I pay for what I get, even if it isn’t with cold hard cash.

This brings me to his latest showing of feelings.  Hubs wants a truck.  He wants to pull that jeep places instead of driving it. I understand this, the jeep isn’t what you would consider a “smooth ride” and the car of course can’t pull a trailer!  Hubs found a truck that he likes.  He’s talked with the bank and the payment will increase by $100 if he gets the truck.  That is with $3000 down.  The truck is very nice, it’s a  duramax diesel with low miles.  It’s got 4 full doors and every option you can imagine.  There are other trucks out there that aren’t as fancy or new that we could afford easier.  Hubs says that he doesn’t think we’d be able to finance them if the mileage or age is high.

BUT, I thought we were broke!  I’m told daily that we don’t have any money.  How are we going to come up with an extra $100 a month, PLUS the extra money in gas?  Especially now that I won’t have a job after next friday!  I know I only made about $75 a week, but that’s $300 a month LESS now.

He keeps telling me that I need to get a job.  Where am I going to get a job?  I’m an over weight, under educated MOM.  Where will I get a job that will even pay for childcare for 2 kids?  3 kids when #2 isn’t in school.  There’s a lady here in town, and she pays $120 a WEEK for childcare for ONE child!  I’ve thought about applying at Target as a night stocker.  That way, I wouldn’t have to put the kids in daycare.  Granted that also means that I will be putting even more miles on my car, it’s got 167K already!  Yep, it’s got that many miles!  See, the plan when he bought his car last year was that when we paid it off, I’d drive that and we’d put the van down on a truck for Hubs.

Am I just being selfish?  Should I just bite the bullet and get a job?  Am I worrying about putting the kids in daycare too much?

Blood Sugar September 8, 2007

My blood sugar has been right where is should be for a while now. I hadn’t taken my byetta since the 24th of August and then I took it again the night before Labor Day. Labor Day I felt very weird. That was how I felt when I had first started taking the shot 4 months ago. I don’t like the way it made me feel. When I started taking it, I felt like that for about a week before my body adjusted to it. I don’t want to go through another week of that. It makes me feel lethargic and cloudy and I don’t exercise at all! I haven’t taken it since last Sunday night. I felt fine, but I was out of test strips so I didn’t know what my sugar really was. I refilled my strips yesterday and before dinner last night, my sugar was 110! I am very pleased.

My dr. said that she thought one of the reason I couldn’t lose weight back then was because my sugar was getting too high. Personally, I don’t think so. I was checking it about once a week back then and it was staying around 100. I do think that my sugar was one of the reasons that I gained the weight back so fast! I also think that keeping my sugar where it should be will help me not gain my weight back.

I am so scared that I will gain it all back! I talked with her about that at my last appt. I am learning what and how much to eat now. I know that when we order pizza, that I am only eating one slice. I know that is all I should eat! I know that I need to walk a minimum of 30 minutes a day, with a minimum of 3 days a week! She told me that my appts with her will still be monthly for a while after I get off the meds. She said if I start to gain weight back that there are plenty of options available. That is very comforting to me! I know that my weight will always be something I will have to work at. Anything worthwhile is, right?

A Day Late, A Pound Down September 7, 2007

Yep, I’m down 41 lbs now.  I actually lost this pound at the begining of the week, and just haven’t lost anymore since.  Yes, I would have liked to have lost more last week, but one pound is super-dee-duper!  Especially considering that I didn’t exercise as I should have and I have just finished my bloating week!  Hopefully I’ll loose 3 next week, to keep my 2lb a week average.

I did get 30 min in this morning.  Hubs works all weekend, so since I’ll be up at 5:30AM tomorrow and Sunday, I’ll get an hour each day!

FORTY POUNDS September 1, 2007

Doesn’t that sound great? I’m just about halfway! I want to lose another 41 pounds.

40 pounds, Forty Pounds, F.O.R.T.Y.P.O.U.N.D.S.

Thank you, Jesus!

CLOTHES August 31, 2007

I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday going through my closet! I have 2 plastic trash bags and 2 Whole Food brown bags full of clothes! CLOTHES. THAT. DON’T. FIT. I’ve got some that I just want to give away and I’ve got some that I’d like to sell. BUT, where and to whom do I sell them? Some of the clothes are pretty new. I just got them back in March and April. There are 3 tops that were $50 each, 2 I got as a buy one get one half off, but one of them I actually paid $49.99 for! The one I paid so much for was only worn twice! I know that sounds like a lot of money, but when you’re buying plus size, you can’t be too picky! I’ve even got some clothes that have never been worn. One pair of pants still has the tags on them!

What do I do with these clothes? Should I want to get something for them? Should I gladly give them away, knowing that I’ll never wear them again? I have to KNOW that I’ll never wear them again. I can’t hold on to them…..Just In Case…… I’ve got to get them out of my house!

I’ve also got to get some new clothes. I don’t like wearing clothes that are too big for me. If I do, then it seems like no time before I’m fitting in them again. In order to get money for new clothes, I’ve got to sell the old clothes! But I don’t want them around here. I don’t even want to look at them!

I’ve thought about taking them to the pregnancy resource place in town. At least I know there would be something good coming out of it. A struggling mom would get a good deal on some nice clothes and the resource center would be able to make a few bucks to help more struggling moms! Even if they don’t have a bunch of plus-size shoppers, some of the tops could be worn as maternity! I know I thought I looked preggy in them!

Today’s The Day To Weigh August 30, 2007

Are you sitting?

39 pounds down!

I was hoping to lose 15 this month, but I’ll take my 11lb loss this month without any complaining!

I go to the dr tomorrow.  I always sabotage myself the day before I have to weigh at the dr’s office.  I think part of it does have to do with the fact that my monthly appts fall at the same time as PMS!  Granted PMS isn’t as bad as it used to be now that I’m taking progesterone.  BUT, I used the last of my cream on Mon, and didn’t go into town yesterday to pick up my script.  So, I’ve gone 2 days with out it.  I could really tell yesterday.  I wanted chips so bad!  I finally broke down and decided to go ahead and allow myself a handful.  When I finally found the bag, it was at Hubs desk.  That meant that he was playing his game while he was eating the chips.  He didn’t have bowl on the desk, that meant that he was sticking his hand in the bag.  I know how bad his keyboard needs to be cleaned.  His keyboard would make the How Clean Is Your House ladies gag!  Needless to say, I chose not to have any chips!

I’ve walked 3 days this week.  I haven’t walked to day, yet.  I am planning on walking at work today.  I’ll have to bring #’s1&3 with me, but I’m also bringing a movie.  It’s so hot at work.  When I’m there I’m so sweaty, I might as well hop on the treadmill after all of the moms leave!  I like their treadmills better!

Just the fact that I’m wanting to hit the 40lb mark by tomorrow’s dr appt will make sure I spend an hour on the treadmill!

It’s Him, Not Me, Right? August 29, 2007

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a living hell the past few months.  There have been some good times, but mainly life has been difficult to say the least.  With this last action that Hubs has chosen to take, I kept wondering what Hubs was fighting with.  What was God trying to do in Hubs life?  Why was the devil winning?  Why was Hubs allowing to devil to win?  I know that God wants me to go to the conference.  It just played out too neat.  It falls on a weekend that Hubs is off, a speaker is speaking about some issues that I’m dealing with, there is actually enough money in the savings account for me to go, and I’ve lost some weight, the trip would be a good reward!  So I just knew that this was the work of the devil when Hubs said NO.  What else could it be?

 

It couldn’t be me, could it?  Could it be that God is trying to teach me something?  Surely you jest!  BUT, maybe he is!  Maybe I’M the one who is in the middle of a lesson.

 

So now I’ve got to figure out what I should be learning.  I do think that I’m submissive.  Maybe I need to read the definition of that word.  Am I being a good steward of the money he brings home for the family?  I know this house isn’t a castle for him when he gets home.  I know by the time he gets home, I’m not usually my normally chipper self.  By the time he gets home, it’s late, I’ve had my fill of the children, house, duties.  By the time he gets home, I’m TIRED and well, I’ll admit it…CRANKY. 

 

I guess, you could boil it all down to one emotion……SPENT. 

 

I need to look at this house, the children and myself through his eyes at 7:30PM.  I need to have some empathy; he’s been away from the house for 13-14hrs.  12 of those have been spent in very uncomfortable conditions.  It’s quite hot where he works and on top of the normal heat, a lot of his time is spent in a fire suit standing over a 2000 degree flame.  He’s got 5 guys working under him.  That doesn’t sound like much, but the conditions are so dangerous, it’s like there are 30 of them.  He’s got to make sure no one gets hurt.  He had to tell one guy that his pants were on fire one day.  The guy didn’t even know it.  Then there’s the guy who just lost a leg.  I haven’t even considered what he puts up with from the ‘suits’.  Then he gets off work and I meet him at another job, where there is usually something broken that he’s got to repair!

 

So, maybe God is trying to work on me?

 

Maybe the question isn’t “Is Hubs being the husband God wants him to be”?  BUT “Am I being the wife that God wants me to be”?

 

What do you think?

HUNGER August 23, 2007

I don’t know if I should be worried or happy. I can’t eat. I’m not hungry either. I did manage to have 1C of milk with a scoop of protein powder for breakfast and then around 4 I had a hand full of grapes. That’s it. I fixed dinner tonight and couldn’t bring myself to even fix a plate. Nothing sounded good and just the thought of eating it made me sick. My stomach has started growling. I can’t remember the last time that happened!

Hubs said if I don’t eat something then I won’t lose any weight. I informed him that I lost 3lbs yesterday! But where did that 3lbs come from? Was it fat or muscle that I lost?

2 more pounds and I’ll be back to the lowest that I got down to with the trainer!

We took #2 to Meet The Teacher night, this is the first year at our school for his teacher. She did teach for 7 years as a Montessori teacher. I was a bit upset because we didn’t get the one we wanted, but I talked with her a bit tonight and she thinks we’ll like the one we’ve got. She said she’d be paying attention to #2 even if she wasn’t his teacher.

It’s Thursday! August 23, 2007

35 POUNDS DOWN

I was so thrilled to see that number on the scale! I don’t really expet it to stay gone. I was very upset yesterday and only had 2 handfulls of pistachios around 10 yesterday morning, I did have water and Diet Dr. Pepper. So I know as soon as I eat something, I’ll put some of that back on.

I’ve walked 3 days in a row. I haven’t walked yet today. I’ve got to work, but I’ll try to get on the treadmill some time today. We bought that movie Hog Wild, I like to walk while I watch a movie, there aren’t any commercials to bore me, so I don’t stop early!

I got a message from my boss yesterday. It seems that I’m out of a job on the 15th. She and her DH have decided to close up shop! She asked if I knew of anyone who would like to lease it from them. I’ve thought about calling my old trainer and talking to him about it. I know I only work 6 hrs a week, but it’s the membership that I’m still wanting to use!

I’ll ask Hubs today if I can at least order the at home version of the conference. I think I really need it now. Let’s just say that I’m not very happy! I’m feeling very used, taken for granted, completely not appreciated and not even wanted. I feel like he is just letting me live here so he’ll have a live in nanny and maid. Oh, and one who doesn’t get vacations.