Can you believe how long it’s been since we’ve posted on here?  That must mean that we’re 2 busy HS moms! 

Now that we’ve got the perfect curriculum for #1, I’m able to breathe again!  It is 12:30 and he’s been finished with school for about 45 min!  I had him do some of tomorrow’s work today.  Hubs is off tomorrow and we’ll probably run errands most of the day.  I’m hoping to get the desktop back sometime this weekend.  After we get the ‘puter back, I’ll be asking for the impossible.  I desperately want the laptop and desktop networked to each other.  Of course Hubs says this can’t be done because one is XP and the other is Vista. 

I guess I should post an update to my marriage situations, considering the past few posts from me!  Since the Monday that I went to Hubs and told him that I FORGIVE him and told him that I AM PRAYING for him things have been so much smoother.  I know there are a few people out there praying for him as well.  Isn’t he power of prayer amazing?  He still has his moments, but he always has and I’m sure he always will.  Granted, he probably thinks I have my moments also  

How has school been going for y’all?

I haven’t poisoned Hubs…yet, but, is is wrong to wash his clothes in HOT water?

Hubs should get his newest toy today, maybe tomorrow.  He was actually decent last night.  That was a very welcomed break.  He tells me that I’m spoiled and that I pout and make life miserable for everyone around me if I don’t get my way.  From the way he’s acted the past few months, I think he must be talking about himself.  He decided a few months ago that he wanted a bike or something to get muddy.  He wanted it then.  But he had to sell the toy he had in order to get something else.  After he got his new toy, he realized that he needed something to pull it with.  That involved another big decision.  Now that decision has been made, which leads one last decision.  He’s got to buy a trailer!  There’s a family here in town who sells trailers.  Hubs may have found the one he wants.  Maybe he’ll be able to relax and be a little nicer to us when he gets that.

It does hurt that he doesn’t mind spending $1600 on a trailer.  It also hurts that all 3 new toys are only in Hubs name.  But after living the way we’ve been living the past few months, I don’t care how much money he spends if it means that he’ll  finally be nice.  I will even settle for just being left alone.  Anything will be better than the way he’s been picking fights lately.

Maybe things will get better soon?

Do you think I’ll ever measure up in Hubs eyes?  Each day he finds new ways of letting me know that I am unworthy of…well, anything.  It’s not like I don’t ever get anything, but boy oh boy do I pay for what I get, even if it isn’t with cold hard cash.

This brings me to his latest showing of feelings.  Hubs wants a truck.  He wants to pull that jeep places instead of driving it. I understand this, the jeep isn’t what you would consider a “smooth ride” and the car of course can’t pull a trailer!  Hubs found a truck that he likes.  He’s talked with the bank and the payment will increase by $100 if he gets the truck.  That is with $3000 down.  The truck is very nice, it’s a  duramax diesel with low miles.  It’s got 4 full doors and every option you can imagine.  There are other trucks out there that aren’t as fancy or new that we could afford easier.  Hubs says that he doesn’t think we’d be able to finance them if the mileage or age is high.

BUT, I thought we were broke!  I’m told daily that we don’t have any money.  How are we going to come up with an extra $100 a month, PLUS the extra money in gas?  Especially now that I won’t have a job after next friday!  I know I only made about $75 a week, but that’s $300 a month LESS now.

He keeps telling me that I need to get a job.  Where am I going to get a job?  I’m an over weight, under educated MOM.  Where will I get a job that will even pay for childcare for 2 kids?  3 kids when #2 isn’t in school.  There’s a lady here in town, and she pays $120 a WEEK for childcare for ONE child!  I’ve thought about applying at Target as a night stocker.  That way, I wouldn’t have to put the kids in daycare.  Granted that also means that I will be putting even more miles on my car, it’s got 167K already!  Yep, it’s got that many miles!  See, the plan when he bought his car last year was that when we paid it off, I’d drive that and we’d put the van down on a truck for Hubs.

Am I just being selfish?  Should I just bite the bullet and get a job?  Am I worrying about putting the kids in daycare too much?

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a living hell the past few months.  There have been some good times, but mainly life has been difficult to say the least.  With this last action that Hubs has chosen to take, I kept wondering what Hubs was fighting with.  What was God trying to do in Hubs life?  Why was the devil winning?  Why was Hubs allowing to devil to win?  I know that God wants me to go to the conference.  It just played out too neat.  It falls on a weekend that Hubs is off, a speaker is speaking about some issues that I’m dealing with, there is actually enough money in the savings account for me to go, and I’ve lost some weight, the trip would be a good reward!  So I just knew that this was the work of the devil when Hubs said NO.  What else could it be?

It couldn’t be me, could it?  Could it be that God is trying to teach me something?  Surely you jest!  BUT, maybe he is!  Maybe I’M the one who is in the middle of a lesson.

So now I’ve got to figure out what I should be learning.  I do think that I’m submissive.  Maybe I need to read the definition of that word.  Am I being a good steward of the money he brings home for the family?  I know this house isn’t a castle for him when he gets home.  I know by the time he gets home, I’m not usually my normally chipper self.  By the time he gets home, it’s late, I’ve had my fill of the children, house, duties.  By the time he gets home, I’m TIRED and well, I’ll admit it…CRANKY. 

I guess, you could boil it all down to one emotion……SPENT. 

I need to look at this house, the children and myself through his eyes at 7:30PM.  I need to have some empathy; he’s been away from the house for 13-14hrs.  12 of those have been spent in very uncomfortable conditions.  It’s quite hot where he works and on top of the normal heat, a lot of his time is spent in a fire suit standing over a 2000 degree flame.  He’s got 5 guys working under him.  That doesn’t sound like much, but the conditions are so dangerous, it’s like there are 30 of them.  He’s got to make sure no one gets hurt.  He had to tell one guy that his pants were on fire one day.  The guy didn’t even know it.  Then there’s the guy who just lost a leg.  I haven’t even considered what he puts up with from the ‘suits’.  Then he gets off work and I meet him at another job, where there is usually something broken that he’s got to repair!

So, maybe God is trying to work on me?

Maybe the question isn’t “Is Hubs being the husband God wants him to be”?  BUT “Am I being the wife that God wants me to be”?

What do you think?

35 POUNDS DOWN

I was so thrilled to see that number on the scale! I don’t really expet it to stay gone. I was very upset yesterday and only had 2 handfulls of pistachios around 10 yesterday morning, I did have water and Diet Dr. Pepper. So I know as soon as I eat something, I’ll put some of that back on.

I’ve walked 3 days in a row. I haven’t walked yet today. I’ve got to work, but I’ll try to get on the treadmill some time today. We bought that movie Hog Wild, I like to walk while I watch a movie, there aren’t any commercials to bore me, so I don’t stop early!

I got a message from my boss yesterday. It seems that I’m out of a job on the 15th. She and her DH have decided to close up shop! She asked if I knew of anyone who would like to lease it from them. I’ve thought about calling my old trainer and talking to him about it. I know I only work 6 hrs a week, but it’s the membership that I’m still wanting to use!

I’ll ask Hubs today if I can at least order the at home version of the conference. I think I really need it now. Let’s just say that I’m not very happy! I’m feeling very used, taken for granted, completely not appreciated and not even wanted. I feel like he is just letting me live here so he’ll have a live in nanny and maid. Oh, and one who doesn’t get vacations.

So, Hubs wakes up, and I’m here in the living room on the ‘puter. (he snores, I’ve been up since 4AM) Anyway, he moves around a bit and settles down on his ‘puter. He asks from the other room what I’m doing, and I let him know that I’m just looking around on the ‘puter. Then I ask him what he thinks about me going ahead and registering. That’s when he proceeds to tell me to do whatever I think I should do. He goes on to say that work is really slow right now, but if I think that a plane ticket and registration fees are what I need to spend money on instead of food/mortgage for the family, then go ahead.

THEN, he knows that last night I asked another lady to go to the gym and walk this morning. He heard me tell her that a certain time really didn’t matter, because Hubs is off today and I don’t have to go only when there was a sitter. SO, after he informs me that he might be losing his job and that I can’t go to the conference, he tells me that if I didn’t have plans with this other lady, that we could all go to the state park to walk.  It was almost 9AM, so I told him that since she hasn’t called, then she probably won’t be calling, so we go to the park to walk.  I got 40 min in!  I was upset during the walk, but still managed to stay under control.

I had all of my stabs going away at myself.  There really isn’t much he can say to me that I don’t say to myself.  How selfish I am, that I want to go away for 3 days and spend money that I didn’t even earn.  Honestly, who do I think I am?  I tell myself that this is my fate, I am an uneducated, overweight stay at home mom and that’s all there is to it.  The only thing that I can do is tend to my husband and my children.  This is my life and I’d better start getting used to and stop dreaming about having anything else.  At least for the next few years.  That is until he doesn’t need me to take care of the kids so he won’t have to.  Then, he’ll toss me out like yesterdays news.  He threatens to do that now anyway.

I calm down a bit by the time we get home.  We decide to run to town and fill a prescription, get some stuff for a b’day cake for one of #1’s friends, and I wanted to get #’s2&3 a hair cut.  As we get started with our running, he starts in.  I really can’t remember how he started it, but the next 2 hours were a nightmare.  He’s mad that I’m doing this cake for free.  I tried to explain why and he stops me as soon as I start talking and tells me that he doesn’t want to hear any of my stories.  He lets me know that I hurt him because I care more about doing this free cake than I do for the family. (basically the same lecture I got when I spent $20 on the fliers)  He didn’t let me tell him that the mom of this girl is the one who orders cakes for her work.   He didn’t let me tell him that she is looking for a new cake lady.  He just can’t believe that I didn’t give a second thought  about doing a free cake, while spending his money to do it.  He told me that I keep putting him in bad positions, I’m spending money left and right, he said, but I’m also complaining about the house being too small and that I can’t keep it clean because there isn’t a place for everything.  He asked what I think he should do, how he should feel.   He said he’s upset because I tell him he can’t provide for us, but I just blow any extra money we get.

THEN, he starts in on home schooling.  He lets me know that I never should have taken #1 out of school.  He wants to know what I want out of life in 1 year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs.  Then he gets mad because I say “I Don’t Know”.  I told him that I really don’t.  I told him that  I’ve never really thought about it, I told him that I didn’t think I had a choice, that because of #1, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I know how hard it is for me not to lose my temper(as fast) with him, and he’s my own child, what’s going to happen when he’s got a teacher who doesn’t love him?  Then he gets on books/curric, What books have you bought?  When are you going to start school?  Your idea of home schooling is a joke, I guess we’ll just wait another 4 yrs until we can just make him get out and get a job.  There’s no way we’ll ever be able to put him back in school, you won’t teach him what he should be learning, he’ll be too far behind.  That was his reply when I told him that I wanted to mainly concentrate on “Introductory Logic”  Of course I plan on teaching the other subjects, but come on, the kid needs a good “Logic” course!

NOW, he’s asking how I’m expecting him to buy me a ticket/registration fee, books for #1, shoes for #2, hair cut for #3 and still buy groceries, pay car payment and mortgage.  He told me if I can figure it out to let him know first.

BUT, I remember a few weeks ago, he handed a guy $1000 in cash for a jeep.  This is a jeep that will soon need $1000 tires.  This jeep also just got a $200 gear shift replaced, and we had to drive 1.5hrs(one way) to take it to the shop.  AND while we were walking at the park today, he let me know that he’s wanting to sand it down and paint it a flat black or rhino line the whole thing.  Yes, when we went to look at the jeep and he asked me what I thought, I told him I was OK with it, but I didn’t want him to change the color.  AND, when he was about to buy it, he asked my opinion and I asked if it would interfere with my trip and he said no.

I had been feeling really good about myself the past couple of days.  I’m feeling so much better physically.  I can breathe again in clothes that I couldn’t even get over my butt a few months ago.  I’m walking regularly which makes me feel good also.  I hate this feeling of being on cloud nine only to go straight to the bottom of a shoe.

AND, it’s very rude of me to cry when he tries to talk about things.

I am trying to give him a little slack.  Yes, it’s apparent that he went out of his way to start a fight.  Today would have been his father’s b’day.  I’m curious if that has anything to do with it.  He never has grieved.  But, dammit.  I didn’t kill him!

Is this the work of the devil?  Is the conference that good?  I know we can afford for me to go.  I know we aren’t wealthy by any means, but I know we can swing $400 for me to do this.

Mom said yesterday that she really needs me to clean her house.  Her back is hurting her pretty bad, her feet are also.  She just can’t come home and clean after working all day.  She offered me $40 to clean and is wanting me to do it weekly.  Maybe that will pay for a ticket/registration.

I think NOT!  Now I haven’t been one to complain about the odd weather these past few months…Until TODAY!  I’ve got to get outside and clean up the yard.  The garden is overgrown, leaves need to be raked, and the drive needs to be swept.  The yard could use a mowing also but it’s just too dang wet to mow.

Maybe, just maybe!!

Thursday morning, I woke up bright and early. Hubs was off and we didn’t have to get up from an alarm. Well I guess my body decided to get up anyway. So at 6:30, I got up, made me some coffee, put my socks and shoes on, got my headphones and cell phone and I hit the treadmill. I hopped up on that thing expecting to walk for 30 min. When 30 min came around, there was a song on that I really liked so I decided to keep walking and listen to the end. When that song was over, I decided to go ahead and walk for 40 min. Then when the 40 min marker came around, I realized that I had almost walked 2 miles, so I decided to stay on the treadmill until I completed 2 miles. Well, that was at 42 min. so I decided to make it a round number and stay on for 45 min! Isn’t it funny how I can negotiate with myself?

That’s a good story and all, but that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that I spent 45 min on the treadmill with no TV on, no kids awake, no Hubs awake, the front window open and music. I’ve got the same songs on my phone that I’ve had for quite a while. I like these songs and listen to them when ever I get a chance. But this day, it’s like they were all made just for me.

Here are a few of the songs I walked to:

Coming Up To Breathe by MercyMe
How Is It Between Us by Sara Groves
Awakening by Sara Groves
Hold Fast by MercyMe
Life Song by Casting Crowns
No More No Less by MercyMe
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
Promise Of A Lifetime by Kutless

I realized that as mad as I was at him for acting so childish, that I couldn’t change him, no matter how irritated I acted. But I could change me. Am I being the wife that God wants me to be? Am I being the wife that Hubs needs me to be? I can only control my actions. I can’t control his actions or reactions. Who will have to answer to God for my behavior? Yes, I do believe that Hubs is responsible for part of what I will have to answer to God about, just because he is the head of the household, but I don’t think my behavior is one of those. With that said, I don’t believe that I will be asked to answer for Hubs behavior either, but I will have to answer for choosing not to obey God. By not being the godly wife and mother that I am called by God to be.

Now, Hubs isn’t off the hook, but was it really my place to put him on the hook? Maybe, just Maybe, God is working in Hubs and he’s fighting it, and Maybe not!

I know he’s under a lot of stress at work. I do know that major purchases send him into a tailspin and he’s got a pretty major purchase looming overhead! I know that doesn’t give him the right to treat me the way he did, not one bit! BUT, he’ll have to answer for that, and I’ll have to answer for my reaction also.

Here are the lyrics to Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

I think I know the source of your DH’s bad attitude….or lack of positive support right now…Remember, I am not a doctor- I only play one on this blog!  He is feeling left out, left behind, or maybe just a little self concious.  You are loosing lots of weight and your attitude is changing.  When you did this before, he did it with you and was having even greater success than you!  I think he needs an ego boost.   I know that my DH goes through this every now and then and needs to feel admired or respected and maybe yours feels like he isn’t getting that right now for whatever reason. 

Last night I actually got to go to Mom’s Night, that our little HS group had. They have one every month, but the last one I made it to was in April. These ladies and their children all get together weekly at the library story time. That happens while I’m at work, so the boys and I don’t get to make it. I found out last night that they get together all the time. Their children spend the night with each other; meet at parks to play; have lunch dates; have scrapbook nights and most Saturdays, the mom’s go shopping together after they meet for their ‘Sanity Breakfast’. These ladies are very close. I kinda felt like a 5th wheel. They weren’t ugly or exclusive, I just didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. At one time, they were talking about a tie-dye party and this and that about it. Then one mom realized that I didn’t have a clue and, I think out of politeness, asked if the boys and I’d like to go. It really felt like they were just being polite, so I just told them that I’d have to see what our plans were for that day. I knew then that I wouldn’t go, I’ll be working that morning.

SO, I’m curious, what’s so wrong with me? Why can’t I have friends? Am I that horrible? Do I stink? Is it my weight? Is it because I don’t feel comfortable inviting them all to my matchbox? Is it just the fact that I can’t do things all the time and that I don’t make it to every group meeting? Maybe it’s an ‘out of sight out of mind’ thing? Is it the fact that I can’t do anything if I can’t have all 3 boys with me?

Maybe the answer is yes to all of those. Maybe it isn’t just one thing, it’s just the whole package.

I do know that I won’t be going to another Mom’s Night Out again, not just because I felt out of place last night. BUT, I didn’t leave at 9 like I told Hubs I would. I looked at my watch at 8:45 and knew that I needed to leave in 15 min. They all got talking about commas, and how they teach their children how to use them and I looked at my watch and it was 9:30! I was shocked that my phone hadn’t been ringing and told the ladies that I needed to go and that I was supposed to go 30 min ago. I put the lid on the cake taker and took my cell out of my purse. I had 7 missed calls. The ringer was turned off. I turned it back on and it immediately rang. The ladies were at the coffee table looking at books and I was standing behind the couch that was in front of the coffee table. I answered the phone and as Hubs started screaming at me, the ladies just froze. They heard everything. I was/am completely embarrassed. They got to hear him tell me that I’m irresponsible and that I don’t care about anyone but myself and they got to hear him ask me if he should quit his job so it won’t interfere with my social life.

Like I said, the last one I went to was in April. Since that MNO, there has been one hair appt, 2 pedicures and one dr. appt that I’ve been able to do with out children. (one dr. appt all 3 of them had to go with me, that was fun) That’s about 5 hours with out children with me in 15 weeks. There was also that Monday that Hubs mom wanted to see the boys and Hubs and I went to dinner w/out kids. So I’ll add 3 hours to that. But, notice that there have only been 2 times I’ve done anything with a friend, and that friend has to be my friend ‘cuz she’s my sister, AND one of those pedicures of hers, I paid for! I even have to pay my sister to be around me.

15 weeks is 105 days and I’ve only been with out kids for 8 hours. I know I sound like a horrible mom, but I think I might be losing it. Hubs often reminds me that this is something I chose, if I don’t like being a stay at home mom, then I should get a job. I do have a job, one that I can take the kids with me, but he says he means a real job.

I’m not regretting my choice to stay home or to home school. I know that both choices are best for my children. It would just be really nice if Hubs would give 10% of his time to the children. Of those 8 hours I wasn’t with the boys, Hubs was with me for 3 and my parents had them for one hour(pedi).

I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll just stop. Of course the house is a mess, and I need to do laundry.