Can you believe how long it’s been since we’ve posted on here?  That must mean that we’re 2 busy HS moms! 

Now that we’ve got the perfect curriculum for #1, I’m able to breathe again!  It is 12:30 and he’s been finished with school for about 45 min!  I had him do some of tomorrow’s work today.  Hubs is off tomorrow and we’ll probably run errands most of the day.  I’m hoping to get the desktop back sometime this weekend.  After we get the ‘puter back, I’ll be asking for the impossible.  I desperately want the laptop and desktop networked to each other.  Of course Hubs says this can’t be done because one is XP and the other is Vista. 

I guess I should post an update to my marriage situations, considering the past few posts from me!  Since the Monday that I went to Hubs and told him that I FORGIVE him and told him that I AM PRAYING for him things have been so much smoother.  I know there are a few people out there praying for him as well.  Isn’t he power of prayer amazing?  He still has his moments, but he always has and I’m sure he always will.  Granted, he probably thinks I have my moments also  

How has school been going for y’all?

I think the Son may be shining for me again!  Life hasn’t been a bed of roses lately.  I’ve tried to keep my focus.  Yes, I’ve lost my cool here and there.  I think I’ve kept my cool more than I’ve lost it, that’s a plus!

As you know, tomorrow is my last day at work.  The business is closing on Sat.  There is talk that a lady who used to teach up at work will want to hire me when her new place gets established.  However, that talk isn’t going to put gas in the tanks!  I’ve been working on not worrying about losing $300 a month.  I keep thinking of the verse that talks about worry.  About how if God takes care of the birds, why wouldn’t I think he’d take care of me also?  LUKE 12 : 22-32  I know that God knows what I need and will provide.  I do know the difference between needs and wants, although I like to think I need somethings that are really wants!  I also know that God has given me the ability to help myself.  Along with the above verse, I also think about a sermon that our preacher did.  There was a flood, a man wouldn’t leave his house because God was going to save him.  The story goes on, with plenty of opportunities for the man to make it to dry land; boats, helicopters, etc.  Every time an opportunity arose, the man would say the same thing.  “God will save me”  In the story, the man drowns to death.  When he gets to heaven he asks God why He didn’t save him.  God answers ~ “What do you think I was trying to do?  I spoke through your wife when she asked you to leave with her before the flood waters rose, I was the neighbor down the street who offered you a ride in the boat, I was the helicopter rescue worker who sent down a basket for you to climb in.”

Yep, I stay conflicted in my head most days!

SO, deep down, I feel that I am supposed to be at home with #1.  I don’t know what God has planned for our lives 3 years down the road.  I just know that I KNOW God wants me right here where I am.  I do know that God has placed the odd jobs that I’ve held lately in my path for certain reasons.  I am thankful for the extra income they have provided.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that they last just long enough or only take certain hours out of my day and still provide me with enough time to tend to the house and family.  I whole-heartedly believe that these opportunities have been the work of God.  Honestly, this job that I’m about to lose, the owner of the business hadn’t spoken with me in 2 months, then one day, a week after Hubs and I chose to HS #1 and needed to buy HS books, the phone rings and it’s the owner asking me if I would like a job ~ Who else could orchestrate that?

Even though I’ve been working on not worrying, I’m still human and the thought of losing $300 a month crosses my mind, more than a few times a day!  I think about birthdays coming up and Christmas and our anniversary.  I guess, life in general.

Here’s the Amazing God part:

Hubs called me at work today to let me know that one of the supervisors that works the night shift got fired.  Hubs will be taking turns with the other 2 supervisors on filling that shift until a new supervisor is hired and trained.  Hubs will be working overtime at least until the first of the year.  He’s got the seniority, so it’s up to him how much of the OT he gets.

Now, what do you think?  Coincidence?  I think NOT!

Do you think I’ll ever measure up in Hubs eyes?  Each day he finds new ways of letting me know that I am unworthy of…well, anything.  It’s not like I don’t ever get anything, but boy oh boy do I pay for what I get, even if it isn’t with cold hard cash.

This brings me to his latest showing of feelings.  Hubs wants a truck.  He wants to pull that jeep places instead of driving it. I understand this, the jeep isn’t what you would consider a “smooth ride” and the car of course can’t pull a trailer!  Hubs found a truck that he likes.  He’s talked with the bank and the payment will increase by $100 if he gets the truck.  That is with $3000 down.  The truck is very nice, it’s a  duramax diesel with low miles.  It’s got 4 full doors and every option you can imagine.  There are other trucks out there that aren’t as fancy or new that we could afford easier.  Hubs says that he doesn’t think we’d be able to finance them if the mileage or age is high.

BUT, I thought we were broke!  I’m told daily that we don’t have any money.  How are we going to come up with an extra $100 a month, PLUS the extra money in gas?  Especially now that I won’t have a job after next friday!  I know I only made about $75 a week, but that’s $300 a month LESS now.

He keeps telling me that I need to get a job.  Where am I going to get a job?  I’m an over weight, under educated MOM.  Where will I get a job that will even pay for childcare for 2 kids?  3 kids when #2 isn’t in school.  There’s a lady here in town, and she pays $120 a WEEK for childcare for ONE child!  I’ve thought about applying at Target as a night stocker.  That way, I wouldn’t have to put the kids in daycare.  Granted that also means that I will be putting even more miles on my car, it’s got 167K already!  Yep, it’s got that many miles!  See, the plan when he bought his car last year was that when we paid it off, I’d drive that and we’d put the van down on a truck for Hubs.

Am I just being selfish?  Should I just bite the bullet and get a job?  Am I worrying about putting the kids in daycare too much?

So, Hubs wakes up, and I’m here in the living room on the ‘puter. (he snores, I’ve been up since 4AM) Anyway, he moves around a bit and settles down on his ‘puter. He asks from the other room what I’m doing, and I let him know that I’m just looking around on the ‘puter. Then I ask him what he thinks about me going ahead and registering. That’s when he proceeds to tell me to do whatever I think I should do. He goes on to say that work is really slow right now, but if I think that a plane ticket and registration fees are what I need to spend money on instead of food/mortgage for the family, then go ahead.

THEN, he knows that last night I asked another lady to go to the gym and walk this morning. He heard me tell her that a certain time really didn’t matter, because Hubs is off today and I don’t have to go only when there was a sitter. SO, after he informs me that he might be losing his job and that I can’t go to the conference, he tells me that if I didn’t have plans with this other lady, that we could all go to the state park to walk.  It was almost 9AM, so I told him that since she hasn’t called, then she probably won’t be calling, so we go to the park to walk.  I got 40 min in!  I was upset during the walk, but still managed to stay under control.

I had all of my stabs going away at myself.  There really isn’t much he can say to me that I don’t say to myself.  How selfish I am, that I want to go away for 3 days and spend money that I didn’t even earn.  Honestly, who do I think I am?  I tell myself that this is my fate, I am an uneducated, overweight stay at home mom and that’s all there is to it.  The only thing that I can do is tend to my husband and my children.  This is my life and I’d better start getting used to and stop dreaming about having anything else.  At least for the next few years.  That is until he doesn’t need me to take care of the kids so he won’t have to.  Then, he’ll toss me out like yesterdays news.  He threatens to do that now anyway.

I calm down a bit by the time we get home.  We decide to run to town and fill a prescription, get some stuff for a b’day cake for one of #1’s friends, and I wanted to get #’s2&3 a hair cut.  As we get started with our running, he starts in.  I really can’t remember how he started it, but the next 2 hours were a nightmare.  He’s mad that I’m doing this cake for free.  I tried to explain why and he stops me as soon as I start talking and tells me that he doesn’t want to hear any of my stories.  He lets me know that I hurt him because I care more about doing this free cake than I do for the family. (basically the same lecture I got when I spent $20 on the fliers)  He didn’t let me tell him that the mom of this girl is the one who orders cakes for her work.   He didn’t let me tell him that she is looking for a new cake lady.  He just can’t believe that I didn’t give a second thought  about doing a free cake, while spending his money to do it.  He told me that I keep putting him in bad positions, I’m spending money left and right, he said, but I’m also complaining about the house being too small and that I can’t keep it clean because there isn’t a place for everything.  He asked what I think he should do, how he should feel.   He said he’s upset because I tell him he can’t provide for us, but I just blow any extra money we get.

THEN, he starts in on home schooling.  He lets me know that I never should have taken #1 out of school.  He wants to know what I want out of life in 1 year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs.  Then he gets mad because I say “I Don’t Know”.  I told him that I really don’t.  I told him that  I’ve never really thought about it, I told him that I didn’t think I had a choice, that because of #1, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I know how hard it is for me not to lose my temper(as fast) with him, and he’s my own child, what’s going to happen when he’s got a teacher who doesn’t love him?  Then he gets on books/curric, What books have you bought?  When are you going to start school?  Your idea of home schooling is a joke, I guess we’ll just wait another 4 yrs until we can just make him get out and get a job.  There’s no way we’ll ever be able to put him back in school, you won’t teach him what he should be learning, he’ll be too far behind.  That was his reply when I told him that I wanted to mainly concentrate on “Introductory Logic”  Of course I plan on teaching the other subjects, but come on, the kid needs a good “Logic” course!

NOW, he’s asking how I’m expecting him to buy me a ticket/registration fee, books for #1, shoes for #2, hair cut for #3 and still buy groceries, pay car payment and mortgage.  He told me if I can figure it out to let him know first.

BUT, I remember a few weeks ago, he handed a guy $1000 in cash for a jeep.  This is a jeep that will soon need $1000 tires.  This jeep also just got a $200 gear shift replaced, and we had to drive 1.5hrs(one way) to take it to the shop.  AND while we were walking at the park today, he let me know that he’s wanting to sand it down and paint it a flat black or rhino line the whole thing.  Yes, when we went to look at the jeep and he asked me what I thought, I told him I was OK with it, but I didn’t want him to change the color.  AND, when he was about to buy it, he asked my opinion and I asked if it would interfere with my trip and he said no.

I had been feeling really good about myself the past couple of days.  I’m feeling so much better physically.  I can breathe again in clothes that I couldn’t even get over my butt a few months ago.  I’m walking regularly which makes me feel good also.  I hate this feeling of being on cloud nine only to go straight to the bottom of a shoe.

AND, it’s very rude of me to cry when he tries to talk about things.

I am trying to give him a little slack.  Yes, it’s apparent that he went out of his way to start a fight.  Today would have been his father’s b’day.  I’m curious if that has anything to do with it.  He never has grieved.  But, dammit.  I didn’t kill him!

Is this the work of the devil?  Is the conference that good?  I know we can afford for me to go.  I know we aren’t wealthy by any means, but I know we can swing $400 for me to do this.

Mom said yesterday that she really needs me to clean her house.  Her back is hurting her pretty bad, her feet are also.  She just can’t come home and clean after working all day.  She offered me $40 to clean and is wanting me to do it weekly.  Maybe that will pay for a ticket/registration.

Well those 2lbs are finally gone! So I am back to my 32lb loss! I haven’t walked since Thursday, but I deep cleaned the house on Friday eve and Saturday morning, so I still spent some time sweating!

Did I tell you about the shirt I got? I got it free at the begining of the month with a pre-buy of Casting Crowns new CD The Altar And The Door. Anyway, since it was free, they were all a size Large! Yippee! But with a little pulling here and there I got the shirt a little bigger, but it was still too small. WELL, I put it on this morning and IT FIT!!! It’s tighter than how I normally where my tops, but it’s not HOOCHIE TIGHT!

I’m ECSTATIC! Especially since we had lunch today with Hubs mom/stepdad for #1’s b’day lunch. Well, she didn’t say a thing about my weight loss. At first I was a bit upset because of her silence. Is my loss not noticeable to others? Is this all in my head? Then I had a bit of a talk with myself………….Of course it shows, I’m wearing pants now that I couldn’t even pull up over my @$$ a few months ago, I’m moving so much easier, my face is so much thinner, etc…….THEN I realized why she didn’t say anything……….it was because she didn’t have anything nasty to say to me! If history has proven anything it’s that when she talks to me its to JAB me! SO, her silence SCREAMED to me that YES, as a matter of fact, I am looking good!

So my prize for hitting the 30lb mark was a pedicure today! I’ve got neon pink!! I didn’t splurge and get flowers, I think the pink is flashy enough!

I also got a new computer! I finally got a notebook! After we bought it and were on our way home, Hubs told me that he hoped I realized that the ‘puter was my conference trip. I looked at him and told him NO. I told him that he was NOT going to do that to me! This morning we talked again about me registering. He told me we would talk about it later. I’ve got to register soon! I’ll try to register tomorrow. I don’t want to wait until the last minute!

I think NOT!  Now I haven’t been one to complain about the odd weather these past few months…Until TODAY!  I’ve got to get outside and clean up the yard.  The garden is overgrown, leaves need to be raked, and the drive needs to be swept.  The yard could use a mowing also but it’s just too dang wet to mow.

Maybe, just maybe!!

Thursday morning, I woke up bright and early. Hubs was off and we didn’t have to get up from an alarm. Well I guess my body decided to get up anyway. So at 6:30, I got up, made me some coffee, put my socks and shoes on, got my headphones and cell phone and I hit the treadmill. I hopped up on that thing expecting to walk for 30 min. When 30 min came around, there was a song on that I really liked so I decided to keep walking and listen to the end. When that song was over, I decided to go ahead and walk for 40 min. Then when the 40 min marker came around, I realized that I had almost walked 2 miles, so I decided to stay on the treadmill until I completed 2 miles. Well, that was at 42 min. so I decided to make it a round number and stay on for 45 min! Isn’t it funny how I can negotiate with myself?

That’s a good story and all, but that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that I spent 45 min on the treadmill with no TV on, no kids awake, no Hubs awake, the front window open and music. I’ve got the same songs on my phone that I’ve had for quite a while. I like these songs and listen to them when ever I get a chance. But this day, it’s like they were all made just for me.

Here are a few of the songs I walked to:

Coming Up To Breathe by MercyMe
How Is It Between Us by Sara Groves
Awakening by Sara Groves
Hold Fast by MercyMe
Life Song by Casting Crowns
No More No Less by MercyMe
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
Promise Of A Lifetime by Kutless

I realized that as mad as I was at him for acting so childish, that I couldn’t change him, no matter how irritated I acted. But I could change me. Am I being the wife that God wants me to be? Am I being the wife that Hubs needs me to be? I can only control my actions. I can’t control his actions or reactions. Who will have to answer to God for my behavior? Yes, I do believe that Hubs is responsible for part of what I will have to answer to God about, just because he is the head of the household, but I don’t think my behavior is one of those. With that said, I don’t believe that I will be asked to answer for Hubs behavior either, but I will have to answer for choosing not to obey God. By not being the godly wife and mother that I am called by God to be.

Now, Hubs isn’t off the hook, but was it really my place to put him on the hook? Maybe, just Maybe, God is working in Hubs and he’s fighting it, and Maybe not!

I know he’s under a lot of stress at work. I do know that major purchases send him into a tailspin and he’s got a pretty major purchase looming overhead! I know that doesn’t give him the right to treat me the way he did, not one bit! BUT, he’ll have to answer for that, and I’ll have to answer for my reaction also.

Here are the lyrics to Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

I think I know the source of your DH’s bad attitude….or lack of positive support right now…Remember, I am not a doctor- I only play one on this blog!  He is feeling left out, left behind, or maybe just a little self concious.  You are loosing lots of weight and your attitude is changing.  When you did this before, he did it with you and was having even greater success than you!  I think he needs an ego boost.   I know that my DH goes through this every now and then and needs to feel admired or respected and maybe yours feels like he isn’t getting that right now for whatever reason. 

Hubs mom called last night and Hubs called her back, after she talked w/him for a bit, she asked to speak to #1, then #3 got the phone and handed it to me, then she finally shut up long enough for me to tell her I had to go.  I went in and tucked #3 in and #2 was still awake and was very upset cuz SHE didn’t talk to him. 

I feel so sad for him, and jealous at the same time!!!

Old habits are hard to break.  Sometimes you break them with out really knowing it and sometimes you know you are breaking them and just really don’t care and keep breaking them.

So even though my spirit was willing, the flesh wasn’t weak!!