Weght May 2, 2008

I am really needing a place to keep up with my weight loss. I like seeing the numbers go down on a weekly basis. I have a terrible memory, so I’m tired of trying to rely on that!

My weight this morning was 194.8. I know that is still a huge number. But I’m so excited. I can’t tell you how good it feels to get on the scales before I go to bed and see a number in the 100’s.  At the beginning of this journey, I couldn’t enjoy each pound lost.  I kept waiting to be happy until I lost more.  Now, I’m thankful for every pound.  I know I won’t go back over 200.  I just can’t do that again.  It’s so mentally  freeing  to be under 200.  I know there isn’t a big difference in 202 and 198 in my appearance, but in my state of mind it’s colossal!

At the beginning of May last year, I was 258.6.  I’ve lost 64LBS in a year!  I feel so much better, physically and emotionally.  Yes, I still put the fun in disfunctional, but I’m happier and less moody than I was.  I’m able to move so much easier now.

This whole journey has been a series of milestones.  Most of them have been set by the number on the scale.  I know I should be more concerned with my health in general, but at that starting weight, numbers on the scale are what you notice the most.  When I hit my 50lbs down goal, I decided it was time to do something for me.  That is when I got my iPod.  When I hit 60lbs down, I didn’t really get a material prize for myself.  The mental prize was better than anything material!  Now, I’m hitting a new milestone.  Clothes.  I went shopping and bought pants and shorts in the regular size section, not the plus size section.  Oh my goodness, I didn’t know if I’d be able to contain myself.  To be walking around in regular size clothing, it’s almost like it’s not real.  It’s hard to explain.  In February of 1995, I had lost 50lbs and hit 202.  That was the last time I had gotten that low, until now.  I honestly can’t remember when I was under 200, but I know it wasn’t long after Hubs and I got together that I went over 200.  We’ve been together for 20 years.

SNOW March 4, 2008

It snowed yesterday. In MARCH. For a while! Not just our usual handful of flakes, but real snow! We may have gotten around 3 INCHES! I’m not sure about that yet, I haven’t heard an official number. It sure was pretty! It sure was COLD! We were in the 70’s on Sunday!

Unfortunately, most of the snow fell after it got dark. #2 got to play a little in the snow while DH and I worked. #1 got out a little in it when he took the dog out to do his business(by the way, a 10 week old puppy doesn’t like to do his business in the cold or wet or snow!)

Before we went to bed, DH went outside to look around and took #3 with him. He was out there in his PJs playing in the snow. He even threw a snowball at DH! When he came inside he was barely able to talk, he was so excited!

We were surprised to see the snow staying on the ground and roads. We didn’t really think the ground was cold enough for the snow to stick. Thankfully the street and driveway were just wet when we woke up this morning. There is still snow on the grass and cars, but the roads are clear. I was afraid I was going it have to drive #2 to school in the JEEP! hahaha!

And I thought we had gone a whole winter with out any snow! At least we won’t have any snow days to make up! I love getting the snow days, I just hate making them up!

Beginagain…again? January 17, 2008

So, it’s a new year!  I miss posting on here!  I really enjoy it.  I like using this as a sounding board!  It helps to get all of my thoughts out, as jumbled as they are.

I’ve got a few topics rambling around in my head.  I guess the main topic is weight.  Mine is starting to go down again.  Why is it so hard?  Do we want to start doing a “weighday” again?

I’ll spend about an hour at the gym this morning.  I’ll do 30 min on the treadmill, about 20 lifting weights, 20 on the elliptical and maybe 20 min in the sauna, depending on the time.  #3 has an appt this afternoon with a speech therapist, so I won’t be able to stay too long.

I’ve got to help #2 make his lunch.  He isn’t moving very fast this morning!  He’s trying to talk me into letting him buy his lunch today.  I hate letting him do that.  The lunch at our PS is a joke!  Just about everything is pre-packaged and frozen.  The ‘cooks’(term used lightly) don’t prepare anything.  They just open boxes and throw the food in a fryer or the oven.  There aren’t any choices.  1 heated up frozen entree, 1 canned side and a choice of juice cup or boxed milk.  YUCK.  I think he’d get a better lunch if I brought him SONIC!

Is It Wrong….. September 12, 2007

I haven’t poisoned Hubs…yet, but, is is wrong to wash his clothes in HOT water?

Hubs should get his newest toy today, maybe tomorrow.  He was actually decent last night.  That was a very welcomed break.  He tells me that I’m spoiled and that I pout and make life miserable for everyone around me if I don’t get my way.  From the way he’s acted the past few months, I think he must be talking about himself.  He decided a few months ago that he wanted a bike or something to get muddy.  He wanted it then.  But he had to sell the toy he had in order to get something else.  After he got his new toy, he realized that he needed something to pull it with.  That involved another big decision.  Now that decision has been made, which leads one last decision.  He’s got to buy a trailer!  There’s a family here in town who sells trailers.  Hubs may have found the one he wants.  Maybe he’ll be able to relax and be a little nicer to us when he gets that.

It does hurt that he doesn’t mind spending $1600 on a trailer.  It also hurts that all 3 new toys are only in Hubs name.  But after living the way we’ve been living the past few months, I don’t care how much money he spends if it means that he’ll  finally be nice.  I will even settle for just being left alone.  Anything will be better than the way he’s been picking fights lately.

Maybe things will get better soon?

CLOTHES August 31, 2007

I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday going through my closet! I have 2 plastic trash bags and 2 Whole Food brown bags full of clothes! CLOTHES. THAT. DON’T. FIT. I’ve got some that I just want to give away and I’ve got some that I’d like to sell. BUT, where and to whom do I sell them? Some of the clothes are pretty new. I just got them back in March and April. There are 3 tops that were $50 each, 2 I got as a buy one get one half off, but one of them I actually paid $49.99 for! The one I paid so much for was only worn twice! I know that sounds like a lot of money, but when you’re buying plus size, you can’t be too picky! I’ve even got some clothes that have never been worn. One pair of pants still has the tags on them!

What do I do with these clothes? Should I want to get something for them? Should I gladly give them away, knowing that I’ll never wear them again? I have to KNOW that I’ll never wear them again. I can’t hold on to them…..Just In Case…… I’ve got to get them out of my house!

I’ve also got to get some new clothes. I don’t like wearing clothes that are too big for me. If I do, then it seems like no time before I’m fitting in them again. In order to get money for new clothes, I’ve got to sell the old clothes! But I don’t want them around here. I don’t even want to look at them!

I’ve thought about taking them to the pregnancy resource place in town. At least I know there would be something good coming out of it. A struggling mom would get a good deal on some nice clothes and the resource center would be able to make a few bucks to help more struggling moms! Even if they don’t have a bunch of plus-size shoppers, some of the tops could be worn as maternity! I know I thought I looked preggy in them!

It’s Him, Not Me, Right? August 29, 2007

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a living hell the past few months.  There have been some good times, but mainly life has been difficult to say the least.  With this last action that Hubs has chosen to take, I kept wondering what Hubs was fighting with.  What was God trying to do in Hubs life?  Why was the devil winning?  Why was Hubs allowing to devil to win?  I know that God wants me to go to the conference.  It just played out too neat.  It falls on a weekend that Hubs is off, a speaker is speaking about some issues that I’m dealing with, there is actually enough money in the savings account for me to go, and I’ve lost some weight, the trip would be a good reward!  So I just knew that this was the work of the devil when Hubs said NO.  What else could it be?

 

It couldn’t be me, could it?  Could it be that God is trying to teach me something?  Surely you jest!  BUT, maybe he is!  Maybe I’M the one who is in the middle of a lesson.

 

So now I’ve got to figure out what I should be learning.  I do think that I’m submissive.  Maybe I need to read the definition of that word.  Am I being a good steward of the money he brings home for the family?  I know this house isn’t a castle for him when he gets home.  I know by the time he gets home, I’m not usually my normally chipper self.  By the time he gets home, it’s late, I’ve had my fill of the children, house, duties.  By the time he gets home, I’m TIRED and well, I’ll admit it…CRANKY. 

 

I guess, you could boil it all down to one emotion……SPENT. 

 

I need to look at this house, the children and myself through his eyes at 7:30PM.  I need to have some empathy; he’s been away from the house for 13-14hrs.  12 of those have been spent in very uncomfortable conditions.  It’s quite hot where he works and on top of the normal heat, a lot of his time is spent in a fire suit standing over a 2000 degree flame.  He’s got 5 guys working under him.  That doesn’t sound like much, but the conditions are so dangerous, it’s like there are 30 of them.  He’s got to make sure no one gets hurt.  He had to tell one guy that his pants were on fire one day.  The guy didn’t even know it.  Then there’s the guy who just lost a leg.  I haven’t even considered what he puts up with from the ‘suits’.  Then he gets off work and I meet him at another job, where there is usually something broken that he’s got to repair!

 

So, maybe God is trying to work on me?

 

Maybe the question isn’t “Is Hubs being the husband God wants him to be”?  BUT “Am I being the wife that God wants me to be”?

 

What do you think?

It’s Thursday! August 23, 2007

35 POUNDS DOWN

I was so thrilled to see that number on the scale! I don’t really expet it to stay gone. I was very upset yesterday and only had 2 handfulls of pistachios around 10 yesterday morning, I did have water and Diet Dr. Pepper. So I know as soon as I eat something, I’ll put some of that back on.

I’ve walked 3 days in a row. I haven’t walked yet today. I’ve got to work, but I’ll try to get on the treadmill some time today. We bought that movie Hog Wild, I like to walk while I watch a movie, there aren’t any commercials to bore me, so I don’t stop early!

I got a message from my boss yesterday. It seems that I’m out of a job on the 15th. She and her DH have decided to close up shop! She asked if I knew of anyone who would like to lease it from them. I’ve thought about calling my old trainer and talking to him about it. I know I only work 6 hrs a week, but it’s the membership that I’m still wanting to use!

I’ll ask Hubs today if I can at least order the at home version of the conference. I think I really need it now. Let’s just say that I’m not very happy! I’m feeling very used, taken for granted, completely not appreciated and not even wanted. I feel like he is just letting me live here so he’ll have a live in nanny and maid. Oh, and one who doesn’t get vacations.

Weight August 20, 2007

I’ve lost 6lbs since August 1.  I’m hoping to lose at least 15 by August 31.  If I can lose 15 this month, then 15 next month, then I’l have lost another 30lbs by the time the conference rolls around!  That will be 62lbs!  Then I’ll only need to lose another 13lbs to get to my goal!  Granted, when I get closer, I may raise or lower my goal.  Not sure yet, we’ll see.  It’s been so long since I’ve been at a healthy weight, I really don’t even know what that weight should be!

BUT, I think the conference is the perfect prize for the next 30lb loss!

I figure if I keep walking regularly, I should be able to hit my goal of losing 15lbs this month!

My arms are really getting flabby.  I need to start some toning exercises!

I’m Not Making Excuses….BUT…. July 27, 2007

Thursday morning, I woke up bright and early. Hubs was off and we didn’t have to get up from an alarm. Well I guess my body decided to get up anyway. So at 6:30, I got up, made me some coffee, put my socks and shoes on, got my headphones and cell phone and I hit the treadmill. I hopped up on that thing expecting to walk for 30 min. When 30 min came around, there was a song on that I really liked so I decided to keep walking and listen to the end. When that song was over, I decided to go ahead and walk for 40 min. Then when the 40 min marker came around, I realized that I had almost walked 2 miles, so I decided to stay on the treadmill until I completed 2 miles. Well, that was at 42 min. so I decided to make it a round number and stay on for 45 min! Isn’t it funny how I can negotiate with myself?

That’s a good story and all, but that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that I spent 45 min on the treadmill with no TV on, no kids awake, no Hubs awake, the front window open and music. I’ve got the same songs on my phone that I’ve had for quite a while. I like these songs and listen to them when ever I get a chance. But this day, it’s like they were all made just for me.

Here are a few of the songs I walked to:

Coming Up To Breathe by MercyMe
How Is It Between Us by Sara Groves
Awakening by Sara Groves
Hold Fast by MercyMe
Life Song by Casting Crowns
No More No Less by MercyMe
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
Promise Of A Lifetime by Kutless

I realized that as mad as I was at him for acting so childish, that I couldn’t change him, no matter how irritated I acted. But I could change me. Am I being the wife that God wants me to be? Am I being the wife that Hubs needs me to be? I can only control my actions. I can’t control his actions or reactions. Who will have to answer to God for my behavior? Yes, I do believe that Hubs is responsible for part of what I will have to answer to God about, just because he is the head of the household, but I don’t think my behavior is one of those. With that said, I don’t believe that I will be asked to answer for Hubs behavior either, but I will have to answer for choosing not to obey God. By not being the godly wife and mother that I am called by God to be.

Now, Hubs isn’t off the hook, but was it really my place to put him on the hook? Maybe, just Maybe, God is working in Hubs and he’s fighting it, and Maybe not!

I know he’s under a lot of stress at work. I do know that major purchases send him into a tailspin and he’s got a pretty major purchase looming overhead! I know that doesn’t give him the right to treat me the way he did, not one bit! BUT, he’ll have to answer for that, and I’ll have to answer for my reaction also.

Here are the lyrics to Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Close To Home June 3, 2007

We’re a little behind kids, so in order to get caught up

…Summer vacation…

will only be 45 minutes this year!