Just as I thought August 22, 2007

So, Hubs wakes up, and I’m here in the living room on the ‘puter. (he snores, I’ve been up since 4AM) Anyway, he moves around a bit and settles down on his ‘puter. He asks from the other room what I’m doing, and I let him know that I’m just looking around on the ‘puter. Then I ask him what he thinks about me going ahead and registering. That’s when he proceeds to tell me to do whatever I think I should do. He goes on to say that work is really slow right now, but if I think that a plane ticket and registration fees are what I need to spend money on instead of food/mortgage for the family, then go ahead.

THEN, he knows that last night I asked another lady to go to the gym and walk this morning. He heard me tell her that a certain time really didn’t matter, because Hubs is off today and I don’t have to go only when there was a sitter. SO, after he informs me that he might be losing his job and that I can’t go to the conference, he tells me that if I didn’t have plans with this other lady, that we could all go to the state park to walk.  It was almost 9AM, so I told him that since she hasn’t called, then she probably won’t be calling, so we go to the park to walk.  I got 40 min in!  I was upset during the walk, but still managed to stay under control.

I had all of my stabs going away at myself.  There really isn’t much he can say to me that I don’t say to myself.  How selfish I am, that I want to go away for 3 days and spend money that I didn’t even earn.  Honestly, who do I think I am?  I tell myself that this is my fate, I am an uneducated, overweight stay at home mom and that’s all there is to it.  The only thing that I can do is tend to my husband and my children.  This is my life and I’d better start getting used to and stop dreaming about having anything else.  At least for the next few years.  That is until he doesn’t need me to take care of the kids so he won’t have to.  Then, he’ll toss me out like yesterdays news.  He threatens to do that now anyway.

I calm down a bit by the time we get home.  We decide to run to town and fill a prescription, get some stuff for a b’day cake for one of #1’s friends, and I wanted to get #’s2&3 a hair cut.  As we get started with our running, he starts in.  I really can’t remember how he started it, but the next 2 hours were a nightmare.  He’s mad that I’m doing this cake for free.  I tried to explain why and he stops me as soon as I start talking and tells me that he doesn’t want to hear any of my stories.  He lets me know that I hurt him because I care more about doing this free cake than I do for the family. (basically the same lecture I got when I spent $20 on the fliers)  He didn’t let me tell him that the mom of this girl is the one who orders cakes for her work.   He didn’t let me tell him that she is looking for a new cake lady.  He just can’t believe that I didn’t give a second thought  about doing a free cake, while spending his money to do it.  He told me that I keep putting him in bad positions, I’m spending money left and right, he said, but I’m also complaining about the house being too small and that I can’t keep it clean because there isn’t a place for everything.  He asked what I think he should do, how he should feel.   He said he’s upset because I tell him he can’t provide for us, but I just blow any extra money we get.

THEN, he starts in on home schooling.  He lets me know that I never should have taken #1 out of school.  He wants to know what I want out of life in 1 year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs.  Then he gets mad because I say “I Don’t Know”.  I told him that I really don’t.  I told him that  I’ve never really thought about it, I told him that I didn’t think I had a choice, that because of #1, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I know how hard it is for me not to lose my temper(as fast) with him, and he’s my own child, what’s going to happen when he’s got a teacher who doesn’t love him?  Then he gets on books/curric, What books have you bought?  When are you going to start school?  Your idea of home schooling is a joke, I guess we’ll just wait another 4 yrs until we can just make him get out and get a job.  There’s no way we’ll ever be able to put him back in school, you won’t teach him what he should be learning, he’ll be too far behind.  That was his reply when I told him that I wanted to mainly concentrate on “Introductory Logic”  Of course I plan on teaching the other subjects, but come on, the kid needs a good “Logic” course!

NOW, he’s asking how I’m expecting him to buy me a ticket/registration fee, books for #1, shoes for #2, hair cut for #3 and still buy groceries, pay car payment and mortgage.  He told me if I can figure it out to let him know first.

BUT, I remember a few weeks ago, he handed a guy $1000 in cash for a jeep.  This is a jeep that will soon need $1000 tires.  This jeep also just got a $200 gear shift replaced, and we had to drive 1.5hrs(one way) to take it to the shop.  AND while we were walking at the park today, he let me know that he’s wanting to sand it down and paint it a flat black or rhino line the whole thing.  Yes, when we went to look at the jeep and he asked me what I thought, I told him I was OK with it, but I didn’t want him to change the color.  AND, when he was about to buy it, he asked my opinion and I asked if it would interfere with my trip and he said no.

I had been feeling really good about myself the past couple of days.  I’m feeling so much better physically.  I can breathe again in clothes that I couldn’t even get over my butt a few months ago.  I’m walking regularly which makes me feel good also.  I hate this feeling of being on cloud nine only to go straight to the bottom of a shoe.

AND, it’s very rude of me to cry when he tries to talk about things.

I am trying to give him a little slack.  Yes, it’s apparent that he went out of his way to start a fight.  Today would have been his father’s b’day.  I’m curious if that has anything to do with it.  He never has grieved.  But, dammit.  I didn’t kill him!

Is this the work of the devil?  Is the conference that good?  I know we can afford for me to go.  I know we aren’t wealthy by any means, but I know we can swing $400 for me to do this.

Mom said yesterday that she really needs me to clean her house.  Her back is hurting her pretty bad, her feet are also.  She just can’t come home and clean after working all day.  She offered me $40 to clean and is wanting me to do it weekly.  Maybe that will pay for a ticket/registration.