CLOTHES August 31, 2007

I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday going through my closet! I have 2 plastic trash bags and 2 Whole Food brown bags full of clothes! CLOTHES. THAT. DON’T. FIT. I’ve got some that I just want to give away and I’ve got some that I’d like to sell. BUT, where and to whom do I sell them? Some of the clothes are pretty new. I just got them back in March and April. There are 3 tops that were $50 each, 2 I got as a buy one get one half off, but one of them I actually paid $49.99 for! The one I paid so much for was only worn twice! I know that sounds like a lot of money, but when you’re buying plus size, you can’t be too picky! I’ve even got some clothes that have never been worn. One pair of pants still has the tags on them!

What do I do with these clothes? Should I want to get something for them? Should I gladly give them away, knowing that I’ll never wear them again? I have to KNOW that I’ll never wear them again. I can’t hold on to them…..Just In Case…… I’ve got to get them out of my house!

I’ve also got to get some new clothes. I don’t like wearing clothes that are too big for me. If I do, then it seems like no time before I’m fitting in them again. In order to get money for new clothes, I’ve got to sell the old clothes! But I don’t want them around here. I don’t even want to look at them!

I’ve thought about taking them to the pregnancy resource place in town. At least I know there would be something good coming out of it. A struggling mom would get a good deal on some nice clothes and the resource center would be able to make a few bucks to help more struggling moms! Even if they don’t have a bunch of plus-size shoppers, some of the tops could be worn as maternity! I know I thought I looked preggy in them!

Today’s The Day To Weigh August 30, 2007

Are you sitting?

39 pounds down!

I was hoping to lose 15 this month, but I’ll take my 11lb loss this month without any complaining!

I go to the dr tomorrow.  I always sabotage myself the day before I have to weigh at the dr’s office.  I think part of it does have to do with the fact that my monthly appts fall at the same time as PMS!  Granted PMS isn’t as bad as it used to be now that I’m taking progesterone.  BUT, I used the last of my cream on Mon, and didn’t go into town yesterday to pick up my script.  So, I’ve gone 2 days with out it.  I could really tell yesterday.  I wanted chips so bad!  I finally broke down and decided to go ahead and allow myself a handful.  When I finally found the bag, it was at Hubs desk.  That meant that he was playing his game while he was eating the chips.  He didn’t have bowl on the desk, that meant that he was sticking his hand in the bag.  I know how bad his keyboard needs to be cleaned.  His keyboard would make the How Clean Is Your House ladies gag!  Needless to say, I chose not to have any chips!

I’ve walked 3 days this week.  I haven’t walked to day, yet.  I am planning on walking at work today.  I’ll have to bring #’s1&3 with me, but I’m also bringing a movie.  It’s so hot at work.  When I’m there I’m so sweaty, I might as well hop on the treadmill after all of the moms leave!  I like their treadmills better!

Just the fact that I’m wanting to hit the 40lb mark by tomorrow’s dr appt will make sure I spend an hour on the treadmill!

It’s Him, Not Me, Right? August 29, 2007

It’s no secret that I’ve been in a living hell the past few months.  There have been some good times, but mainly life has been difficult to say the least.  With this last action that Hubs has chosen to take, I kept wondering what Hubs was fighting with.  What was God trying to do in Hubs life?  Why was the devil winning?  Why was Hubs allowing to devil to win?  I know that God wants me to go to the conference.  It just played out too neat.  It falls on a weekend that Hubs is off, a speaker is speaking about some issues that I’m dealing with, there is actually enough money in the savings account for me to go, and I’ve lost some weight, the trip would be a good reward!  So I just knew that this was the work of the devil when Hubs said NO.  What else could it be?

 

It couldn’t be me, could it?  Could it be that God is trying to teach me something?  Surely you jest!  BUT, maybe he is!  Maybe I’M the one who is in the middle of a lesson.

 

So now I’ve got to figure out what I should be learning.  I do think that I’m submissive.  Maybe I need to read the definition of that word.  Am I being a good steward of the money he brings home for the family?  I know this house isn’t a castle for him when he gets home.  I know by the time he gets home, I’m not usually my normally chipper self.  By the time he gets home, it’s late, I’ve had my fill of the children, house, duties.  By the time he gets home, I’m TIRED and well, I’ll admit it…CRANKY. 

 

I guess, you could boil it all down to one emotion……SPENT. 

 

I need to look at this house, the children and myself through his eyes at 7:30PM.  I need to have some empathy; he’s been away from the house for 13-14hrs.  12 of those have been spent in very uncomfortable conditions.  It’s quite hot where he works and on top of the normal heat, a lot of his time is spent in a fire suit standing over a 2000 degree flame.  He’s got 5 guys working under him.  That doesn’t sound like much, but the conditions are so dangerous, it’s like there are 30 of them.  He’s got to make sure no one gets hurt.  He had to tell one guy that his pants were on fire one day.  The guy didn’t even know it.  Then there’s the guy who just lost a leg.  I haven’t even considered what he puts up with from the ‘suits’.  Then he gets off work and I meet him at another job, where there is usually something broken that he’s got to repair!

 

So, maybe God is trying to work on me?

 

Maybe the question isn’t “Is Hubs being the husband God wants him to be”?  BUT “Am I being the wife that God wants me to be”?

 

What do you think?

HUNGER August 23, 2007

I don’t know if I should be worried or happy. I can’t eat. I’m not hungry either. I did manage to have 1C of milk with a scoop of protein powder for breakfast and then around 4 I had a hand full of grapes. That’s it. I fixed dinner tonight and couldn’t bring myself to even fix a plate. Nothing sounded good and just the thought of eating it made me sick. My stomach has started growling. I can’t remember the last time that happened!

Hubs said if I don’t eat something then I won’t lose any weight. I informed him that I lost 3lbs yesterday! But where did that 3lbs come from? Was it fat or muscle that I lost?

2 more pounds and I’ll be back to the lowest that I got down to with the trainer!

We took #2 to Meet The Teacher night, this is the first year at our school for his teacher. She did teach for 7 years as a Montessori teacher. I was a bit upset because we didn’t get the one we wanted, but I talked with her a bit tonight and she thinks we’ll like the one we’ve got. She said she’d be paying attention to #2 even if she wasn’t his teacher.

It’s Thursday! August 23, 2007

35 POUNDS DOWN

I was so thrilled to see that number on the scale! I don’t really expet it to stay gone. I was very upset yesterday and only had 2 handfulls of pistachios around 10 yesterday morning, I did have water and Diet Dr. Pepper. So I know as soon as I eat something, I’ll put some of that back on.

I’ve walked 3 days in a row. I haven’t walked yet today. I’ve got to work, but I’ll try to get on the treadmill some time today. We bought that movie Hog Wild, I like to walk while I watch a movie, there aren’t any commercials to bore me, so I don’t stop early!

I got a message from my boss yesterday. It seems that I’m out of a job on the 15th. She and her DH have decided to close up shop! She asked if I knew of anyone who would like to lease it from them. I’ve thought about calling my old trainer and talking to him about it. I know I only work 6 hrs a week, but it’s the membership that I’m still wanting to use!

I’ll ask Hubs today if I can at least order the at home version of the conference. I think I really need it now. Let’s just say that I’m not very happy! I’m feeling very used, taken for granted, completely not appreciated and not even wanted. I feel like he is just letting me live here so he’ll have a live in nanny and maid. Oh, and one who doesn’t get vacations.

Just as I thought August 22, 2007

So, Hubs wakes up, and I’m here in the living room on the ‘puter. (he snores, I’ve been up since 4AM) Anyway, he moves around a bit and settles down on his ‘puter. He asks from the other room what I’m doing, and I let him know that I’m just looking around on the ‘puter. Then I ask him what he thinks about me going ahead and registering. That’s when he proceeds to tell me to do whatever I think I should do. He goes on to say that work is really slow right now, but if I think that a plane ticket and registration fees are what I need to spend money on instead of food/mortgage for the family, then go ahead.

THEN, he knows that last night I asked another lady to go to the gym and walk this morning. He heard me tell her that a certain time really didn’t matter, because Hubs is off today and I don’t have to go only when there was a sitter. SO, after he informs me that he might be losing his job and that I can’t go to the conference, he tells me that if I didn’t have plans with this other lady, that we could all go to the state park to walk.  It was almost 9AM, so I told him that since she hasn’t called, then she probably won’t be calling, so we go to the park to walk.  I got 40 min in!  I was upset during the walk, but still managed to stay under control.

I had all of my stabs going away at myself.  There really isn’t much he can say to me that I don’t say to myself.  How selfish I am, that I want to go away for 3 days and spend money that I didn’t even earn.  Honestly, who do I think I am?  I tell myself that this is my fate, I am an uneducated, overweight stay at home mom and that’s all there is to it.  The only thing that I can do is tend to my husband and my children.  This is my life and I’d better start getting used to and stop dreaming about having anything else.  At least for the next few years.  That is until he doesn’t need me to take care of the kids so he won’t have to.  Then, he’ll toss me out like yesterdays news.  He threatens to do that now anyway.

I calm down a bit by the time we get home.  We decide to run to town and fill a prescription, get some stuff for a b’day cake for one of #1’s friends, and I wanted to get #’s2&3 a hair cut.  As we get started with our running, he starts in.  I really can’t remember how he started it, but the next 2 hours were a nightmare.  He’s mad that I’m doing this cake for free.  I tried to explain why and he stops me as soon as I start talking and tells me that he doesn’t want to hear any of my stories.  He lets me know that I hurt him because I care more about doing this free cake than I do for the family. (basically the same lecture I got when I spent $20 on the fliers)  He didn’t let me tell him that the mom of this girl is the one who orders cakes for her work.   He didn’t let me tell him that she is looking for a new cake lady.  He just can’t believe that I didn’t give a second thought  about doing a free cake, while spending his money to do it.  He told me that I keep putting him in bad positions, I’m spending money left and right, he said, but I’m also complaining about the house being too small and that I can’t keep it clean because there isn’t a place for everything.  He asked what I think he should do, how he should feel.   He said he’s upset because I tell him he can’t provide for us, but I just blow any extra money we get.

THEN, he starts in on home schooling.  He lets me know that I never should have taken #1 out of school.  He wants to know what I want out of life in 1 year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs.  Then he gets mad because I say “I Don’t Know”.  I told him that I really don’t.  I told him that  I’ve never really thought about it, I told him that I didn’t think I had a choice, that because of #1, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I know how hard it is for me not to lose my temper(as fast) with him, and he’s my own child, what’s going to happen when he’s got a teacher who doesn’t love him?  Then he gets on books/curric, What books have you bought?  When are you going to start school?  Your idea of home schooling is a joke, I guess we’ll just wait another 4 yrs until we can just make him get out and get a job.  There’s no way we’ll ever be able to put him back in school, you won’t teach him what he should be learning, he’ll be too far behind.  That was his reply when I told him that I wanted to mainly concentrate on “Introductory Logic”  Of course I plan on teaching the other subjects, but come on, the kid needs a good “Logic” course!

NOW, he’s asking how I’m expecting him to buy me a ticket/registration fee, books for #1, shoes for #2, hair cut for #3 and still buy groceries, pay car payment and mortgage.  He told me if I can figure it out to let him know first.

BUT, I remember a few weeks ago, he handed a guy $1000 in cash for a jeep.  This is a jeep that will soon need $1000 tires.  This jeep also just got a $200 gear shift replaced, and we had to drive 1.5hrs(one way) to take it to the shop.  AND while we were walking at the park today, he let me know that he’s wanting to sand it down and paint it a flat black or rhino line the whole thing.  Yes, when we went to look at the jeep and he asked me what I thought, I told him I was OK with it, but I didn’t want him to change the color.  AND, when he was about to buy it, he asked my opinion and I asked if it would interfere with my trip and he said no.

I had been feeling really good about myself the past couple of days.  I’m feeling so much better physically.  I can breathe again in clothes that I couldn’t even get over my butt a few months ago.  I’m walking regularly which makes me feel good also.  I hate this feeling of being on cloud nine only to go straight to the bottom of a shoe.

AND, it’s very rude of me to cry when he tries to talk about things.

I am trying to give him a little slack.  Yes, it’s apparent that he went out of his way to start a fight.  Today would have been his father’s b’day.  I’m curious if that has anything to do with it.  He never has grieved.  But, dammit.  I didn’t kill him!

Is this the work of the devil?  Is the conference that good?  I know we can afford for me to go.  I know we aren’t wealthy by any means, but I know we can swing $400 for me to do this.

Mom said yesterday that she really needs me to clean her house.  Her back is hurting her pretty bad, her feet are also.  She just can’t come home and clean after working all day.  She offered me $40 to clean and is wanting me to do it weekly.  Maybe that will pay for a ticket/registration.

Weight August 20, 2007

I’ve lost 6lbs since August 1.  I’m hoping to lose at least 15 by August 31.  If I can lose 15 this month, then 15 next month, then I’l have lost another 30lbs by the time the conference rolls around!  That will be 62lbs!  Then I’ll only need to lose another 13lbs to get to my goal!  Granted, when I get closer, I may raise or lower my goal.  Not sure yet, we’ll see.  It’s been so long since I’ve been at a healthy weight, I really don’t even know what that weight should be!

BUT, I think the conference is the perfect prize for the next 30lb loss!

I figure if I keep walking regularly, I should be able to hit my goal of losing 15lbs this month!

My arms are really getting flabby.  I need to start some toning exercises!

It’s Finally Gone August 19, 2007

Well those 2lbs are finally gone! So I am back to my 32lb loss! I haven’t walked since Thursday, but I deep cleaned the house on Friday eve and Saturday morning, so I still spent some time sweating!

Did I tell you about the shirt I got? I got it free at the begining of the month with a pre-buy of Casting Crowns new CD The Altar And The Door. Anyway, since it was free, they were all a size Large! Yippee! But with a little pulling here and there I got the shirt a little bigger, but it was still too small. WELL, I put it on this morning and IT FIT!!! It’s tighter than how I normally where my tops, but it’s not HOOCHIE TIGHT!

I’m ECSTATIC! Especially since we had lunch today with Hubs mom/stepdad for #1’s b’day lunch. Well, she didn’t say a thing about my weight loss. At first I was a bit upset because of her silence. Is my loss not noticeable to others? Is this all in my head? Then I had a bit of a talk with myself………….Of course it shows, I’m wearing pants now that I couldn’t even pull up over my @$$ a few months ago, I’m moving so much easier, my face is so much thinner, etc…….THEN I realized why she didn’t say anything……….it was because she didn’t have anything nasty to say to me! If history has proven anything it’s that when she talks to me its to JAB me! SO, her silence SCREAMED to me that YES, as a matter of fact, I am looking good!

So my prize for hitting the 30lb mark was a pedicure today! I’ve got neon pink!! I didn’t splurge and get flowers, I think the pink is flashy enough!

I also got a new computer! I finally got a notebook! After we bought it and were on our way home, Hubs told me that he hoped I realized that the ‘puter was my conference trip. I looked at him and told him NO. I told him that he was NOT going to do that to me! This morning we talked again about me registering. He told me we would talk about it later. I’ve got to register soon! I’ll try to register tomorrow. I don’t want to wait until the last minute!

weighin August 16, 2007

ok…still the same! I was sure I lost this week, but still the same! I have been loosing some inches though, as some clothes are fitting and others fitting differently!

5 MILES August 10, 2007

I walked 5 miles today!  Can you believe it?

Hubs left for work and I popped in The Illusionist and hopped on the treadmill.  I walked for an hour before #2 woke up!  I got 3 miles in before I stopped!  Then I remembered that a friend wanted to go to the gym with me at 9.  So I called her to see if she still wanted to go and she did.  So we met at the gym and walked 40 min.  That gave me 5 miles!  I walked for an hour and 40 min this morning!  I’m so happy with that!  I didn’t walk much last week.  I kept allowing myself to use excuses.  It’s time to change that!